Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
