I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I puked a lego.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
