So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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