I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
