don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
