he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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