Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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