so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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