If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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