Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Found your dick twin last night
Mom said you looked used
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
