We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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