anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Drake has all the answers
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
