Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
