im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
