Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
