I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
