all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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