you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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