Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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