Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
