Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
That's how pantless uber rides happen
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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