fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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