i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
