We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
