We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Did I show you my penis last night?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
