you're like a bully in the Christmas story
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
