He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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