Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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