I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
