bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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