Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
