If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
no. you can't hotbox the world.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
