the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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