I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
