I wanna bring you to show and tell
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
