I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
