Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
