we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
