The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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