I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
