I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
