the condom got lost in my hair
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
