that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Randomize
