I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
