Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
