I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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