I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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