I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
