I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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