I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
