remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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