Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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