That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
