I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
